I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
