Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
