I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
