Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
