I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
how drunk are you?
Several
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
