I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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