I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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