So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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