Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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