I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
