You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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