I checked into jail on foursquare
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
