The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
