I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
