This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
