Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize
