You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
