Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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