I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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