and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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