I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
