I wish life had little blips of pornography
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
