How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
