It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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