I met the friendliest cop last night
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
