I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
