we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Can i not drive my cunt home
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
