Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
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