How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
