i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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