Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
