That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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