remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
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