He had one of those small greek statue penises
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
