I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
