I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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