This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I wish there were birth control emojis
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
How does it feel to date your dad?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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