guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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