This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
