is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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