I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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