I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
