also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Randomize
