Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
