I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
