my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
