Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Randomize
