Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
