You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
