apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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