You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Randomize
