Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
