Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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