So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Randomize
