Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
